She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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