You made me cry and you don't even care
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
