i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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