I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
