wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
