my phone needs a breathalizer
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
