Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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