Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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