So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
