I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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