Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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