God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
