i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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