trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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