The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
