What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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