i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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