i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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