Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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