it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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