I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
