the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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