when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
