Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
