i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
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