Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
