farters have to be the big spoon...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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