I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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