Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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