I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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