i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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