he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize