You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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