If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
worst night to have a conscience
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
