I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
