"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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