Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
