Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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