She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
