He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
