nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
