Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
