Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
