there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
