he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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