We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you win again, gameday.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
