i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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