I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
