Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
