A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
