two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
