Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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