I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
