I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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