apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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