My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
