im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
