i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
