my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Terrible idea I love it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
