i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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