i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize