oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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